Faith in the Unexpected

I started writing this post on February 26th, and I typed a random title in the draft bar, with a mental note to come back and change it. I decided to leave it… because it applies even more now. The last few weeks have been chaotic for our family, and the hits just keep on coming. At 32 years old, I’ve admittedly been through a lot of heartache in my life, but I also have a lot of blessings.

I was married very young, to my high school sweetheart; blessing! I celebrate 15 years of marriage with that man this year; blessing! That man was a United States Marine for many years, and spent many years overseas in a combat zone and away from me during our marriage; both blessing and heartache. The Marine Corps contributes a lot to who Justin is today, and that also comes with battle scars (both physical and emotional) that he silently wears today. Between that time and now, we as a couple have moved away from all our family, stepping out on faith and creating a beautiful life 190 miles away from where we called home. We have lived in 2 apartments, 2 houses, with 2 dogs, and in 2 cities. We both endured the divorce of our parents at two separate stages in our lives. We have together endured the tragic loss of one incredible sister, and the birth of two beautiful babies. The past year we’ve endured an agonizing medical journey for our son, silent troubles we can’t discuss for loved ones in our lives, and all that with the daily stress of life and Justin being one class away from completing his bachelor’s degree (go babe)! We have loved ones at this very moment fighting incredible battles with cancer, detrimental illnesses, and the legal system among others.  

On February 17th, we lost my grandmother, my Mamaw.  The loss of this amazing, independent woman that I shared a birthday (and so much more with) is a huge void for our family.  As I edit this post on international women’s day, it seems only appropriate that I recognize the amazing strength, independence, and fight for life, love, and family that this woman had.  Thankfully, amidst our shock and grief, we know that she is no longer hurting and in a far better place now (as she so beautifully described during our last moments with her).  Since I first typed these words, we lost our sweet pup, Gunner.  Now, I’m fighting kidney stones (again) and Justin is out of commission with the flu.  Thanks life, for reminding me this world is not perfect this side of Heaven.  The truth is this world is filled with many types of grief.  Many of us are fighting battles, and wearing scars that others know nothing about.  So be kind, because you never know what invisible trial is incredibly blinding to others you meet. 

 After losing my sister, my mantra became just to make it through each day.  Each time you encounter a loss, there are habits, ideas, rituals, disappointments, and heartaches that you must overcome.  They often catch you off guard, when you’re unaware that you’re vulnerable yet they have the power to bring you to your knees.  Sometimes it takes great effort, sometimes you have to cry it out, sometimes you have to pretend it doesn’t exist, but to all the things we lose in our lives, we owe the very act of living.  To endure a tough loss, it means we were once able to enjoy something we loved, valued, and held dear.  To know the grief of loss, is to have known love and companionship. Our grief becoming a cross we bear; the cost of that love fully experienced in our lives.  Ultimately, I believe we would all choose that grief, over not having the ability to be known and loved by those we lose.  

I write all of this because death is not the only thing that is grieved in life.  Ideas, desires, hopes, dreams, chances, friendships, feelings, places, and things and fears can all be actively grieved in our lives.  This past year also came at a high cost of friendships for me.  Ironically, my pastors have been eloquently speaking on the topic of friendship, and it wasn’t until sitting in one of those sermons, I allowed myself to feel the betrayal I truly felt from friends who once felt like sisters in my life.  I’m not one to hold onto or overthink events in life, I don’t really dwell on circumstances. I was caught off guard by the hurt I actually felt for something that seemed so trivial on the surface for me.  These are the unexpected times in our lives that we are unaware of our great need for faith.  Hurt can come from an array of situations, and can hold us back if we left it.  Faith, is the answer to overcoming that hurt. 

Amidst trials, troubles, and unexpected grief, we can still see the favor and promises of God through faith.  It’s not always so easy to seek out the positive, especially when your days are full of unexpected challenges and heart ache.  So here’s a reminder for anything you’ve lost in your life…whether its the desire to do or create, the belief in yourself, a person, a title, a sweet pup, a friendship, or just a dream that you have or are allowing to die.  It’s necessary to grieve that person or desire, but it’s also important to find faith in that loss.  If it’s a person/animal you’re grieving, your faith might be found in various forms of comfort and the fact that as a believer, you will be reunited again.  If it’s thoughts, dreams, or desires that you’re grieving that faith might be in the courage to pick them back up, and start anew.  If you find yourself deep in grief, it might be time to list your blessings, in order to find new reasons to have faith.  Hold onto that faith in the unexpected, and remember at the very least to be kind, to yourself and others. <3