Is it September yet?

This is the question I’ve been asking my husband, almost daily, since early July. I would rather skip the month of August for several reasons, and I am so looking forward to FALL! It’s not an intent to wish my life away, although, at times I guess that’s exactly what I do.

August is a very tough month, however, since Addisyn’s birth I have willed myself to give a tough time a more positive atmosphere. Next week, it will be three years since the worst day of my life, when I lost my dear sister. Last year, I made the choice that it would be the first of attempts to make that dreaded anniversary, a positive day of memories. I want my daughter to know my sister through her smile, and stories of her life. I will not let my sister exist in my daughter’s eyes only as a sad topic, as a reason that Mommy cries, or someone that we shouldn’t talk about because it makes Mommy and others sad.  All of these things are true, but if I allow my grief (that I still work through daily) to take over and dictate the honor and memory of my sister, then my daughter loses out on all the magic and awesomeness that my sister truly brought to life. It’s not fair to Mandi, to Addisyn, or any of the rest of us if we live life that way.

I have a picture of my sister that sits by my bedside, it is never moved unless Addisyn carries it away or I’m holding it. Addisyn started talking very early (and continues to be an advanced talker.) Early in Addisyn’s life I began showing her the picture (and others) of Aunt Mandi. Several months ago, Addisyn picked up the photo, looked at me, and clearly said, “DeeDee”, she then kissed the picture and set it down.  It was then that I realized how important it is for Addisyn to have a positive connection with her Aunt Mandi, and that is harder for her to create that if Aunt Mandi is only mentioned when someone is sad.

 August 14, 2014

Last year, we started a tradition to celebrate “DeeDee’s” life. I’m not sure how my sister would feel about being DeeDee, though she wouldn’t have had a choice in the matter either way and would have happily been the best DeeDee ever, I’m sure. So now, as Addisyn grows and baby Hall #2 arrives (we find out the gender this Thursday!), our goal is to make sure that Aunt Mandi is remembered for being the beautiful, smart, funny, caring, loving, amazing person she is and to celebrate her life as well as the fact that she’s in Heaven, with Jesus, waiting for us.

Do I miss my sister daily? Yes. Do I think of her several times an hour, sometimes more? Yes. Do I still go to pick the phone up to call her? Yes. Do I cry for her daily? Yep. What’s my point in sharing this? We all have struggles we face daily, and most of us choose to face them alone. Often, the natural trend is to wallow and give in to these things that haunt or challenge us. The hard choice is to choose to approach these things differently. The enemy wants you to feel that you are stuck, that there is no outlet, no relief, no hope. That is a lie. There is hope, there is help. Whatever you have to overcome, whether it be small in nature or a larger tragedy, don’t lose hope.  The Lord has a plan, and He has not turned a blind eye to your struggles. We are not meant to be content here on Earth, because this is not our home. Though we might not understand the purposes of our various struggles, He undoubtedly has a plan.

It’s okay to wait for our Septembers, but just know that God hasn’t left us in our Augusts!

Jeremiah 29:11- “For I know the plans I have for you. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans for hope and a future.” NIV