Angry Radiance

I wrote this poem just weeks after my dear sister gained her angel wings.  Not with the intention to ever share, and not for any purpose other than to attempt to make sense of the tragic event that had just taken place. I found this recently and re-read it, with mixed emotions. Notably recognizing a change in my state of mind, and a slight progression of my healing process. Ultimately realizing how sad and true the words on this paper are. There is no hope in this word, this life, besides Christ.

It often amazes me how God provides, and meets our needs. Even in the midst of dark days and tough times you realize in the aftermath, that God’s grace was not only sufficient but exactly what you needed. If you’re not living for Christ, you’re missing out. Your hope is in the hands of humanity…. and let’s not begin to explore the depravity of that situation.  The book of Ecclesiastes, while mildly disheartening, vividly puts into perspective where happiness is found. Happiness is not found “under the sun,” happiness awaits in eternity for those who put their faith in Christ.  Our society maintains the mentality to work hard at storing up possessions, or indulging in pleasures of the flesh to secure happiness and perfection.  All efforts to achieve this on earth are meaningless. No matter how hard we work, we will never achieve happiness and perfection in this world. We are not meant to be satisfied, not meant to be content, not meant to be happy here. We should enjoy the lives the Lord has given us with an understanding that while our lives have the potential to contain so much happiness, our true happiness and fulfillment awaits us in eternity.  For happiness, without Christ…without eternity… is meaningless.

I often ask myself why my sister cannot enjoy the same “pleasures” I am able to. I often feel as though she was cheated. She was. At night when I am sitting by the soft glow of light in my daughters nursery, rocking and singing her to sleep, my heart is pained thinking of how my sister never got to rock her little one on this earth in the manner that I am. When I hear my daughter laugh for the first time ever (yesterday, while playing with her Nana!) I think of how my sister and my sweet niece or nephew, never made those memories because they were taken from us.  I feel sorry about this quite often. But that’s just it, I should feel SORRY for myself and the other loved ones she left behind, because in the scheme of things… it’s not my sister who is missing out.  She is fellowshipping with our Savior, she is with the fullness of the child she carried in her womb. She is not in pain, not stressed, not concerned of the things of this world… she is HAPPY. She is with our Savior in paradise on THIS VERY DAY. She wouldn’t trade the most precious of moments on earth for the most amazing experiences she has in Heaven, and even though I can’t begin to understand those experiences, and definitely do not like the circumstances, I know that neither hope nor happiness is found under the sun… where the colors always stay radiant… and the hope always fades.

Ecclesiastes 2:11- “Yet, when I surveyed all that my hands had done and what I had toiled to achieve, everything was meaningless, a chasing after the wind; nothing was gained under the sun.”