Fearless- An Update on Josiah

Fear.  It’s compelling… it’s sometimes pesky, and sometimes it’s debilitating.  The culmination for fear for myself took place these past weeks regarding Josiah.  The fear of a mother for her child is almost a physical pain.  Since Josiah was 9 months old and we were told something was not quite right with his blood, I’ve had a looming fear of his diagnosis.  Since then we’ve been misdiagnosed, re-diagnosed, and for the last year we’ve heard multiple doctors in collaboration say these words, “we don’t understand”.  I’m not sure how to describe the feelings as a parent that you feel when you’re in limbo regarding your childs health.  He’s asymptomatic (praise Jesus!!), and the doctors are baffled.  He’s supposed to be lethargic, have low energy and low appetite, and tire easily.  Umm… hello?  Have any of you met my son?! He’s the OPPOSITE of all of that and we take great joy in that.  However, we constantly have someone saying… there is something wrong with your child…but we don’t know what it is.  As a parent, I’ve felt stuck. Defeated. Fearful. Worried.

All of those are feelings the enemy wants to use to hold power over your life.  Those are ALL the feelings I’ve felt for over a year regarding my son.  When he didn’t respond to treatments and infusions, I was crushed.  When he tested positive on scary tests and it was determined he is losing blood internally, I was panicked.  And when the doctors decided two weeks ago to admit him to CHKD Children’s Hospital to identify that cause, I was frozen with fear.  We were told that they were looking for 3 things primarily in their exploratory procedures.  Nics/cuts/trauma in his bowel that would be repaired, polyps or growths to be removed, or the detection of a worse disease… my biggest fear… that I can’t even bring myself to type.  I was gripped with fear.  I was angry.  I even slightly directed that anger at God.  I didn’t understand. We had SO many people praying for this child’s health.  We had so many people declaring his healing, and even a prophetic word spoken over him that we were going to find out he was healed before a certain approaching date. How could we have walked into this appointment and be walking out preparing to send my baby through surgery to find a suspected problem in his GI tract?

Somehow, before the procedures, I was met again with the sincere peace that I’ve had regarding these whole circumstances… until he was wheeled into pre-op the next morning.  We had people surround us and take care of Addisyn, Gunner, and send prayers, love, and gifts for Josiah.  We were flooded with texts and calls of well wishes and prayers and we felt so incredibly supported by our friends and family, and here I was doubting and fearful again.  Maybe it was how horrendous the prep the day before was for our boy, maybe it was the pain he was in, the feeding tube, the vomiting from the meds, his little cries as he begged the doctors and nurses not to take any more blood from his little arm.  Maybe it was that he was being wheeled away from us and I couldn’t do a thing about what was going to happen next.  I went and sat in the waiting room beside my husband and cried.  I began to pray.  But not just for Josiah.  I began to pray for the other teary eyed mothers, fathers, and siblings that sat in the massive waiting room of the children’s hospital.

Somewhere, somehow, I ended up with even more of a peace over my own child as I prayed for the people around me.  I didn’t speak to any of them in person… I didn’t think I could maintain my composure, and at this point I was still waiting to hear Josiah’s name after the frequent “parents of…” yells from the reception desk.  But I walked that waiting room, and I prayed for those people, and I felt God’s presence as the clock ticked away for Josiah to be moved to the PACU.  It was the act of knowing that God would move in the lives of others, that lessened my fear for my own son.  Just like it was the prayers and support of my tribe, that was getting me through that day.

Guys… we are NOT meant to be fearful.  We are not meant to have anxiety and worry that consumes us.  We are NOT meant to give into depression, angst, anger, or fear… but we do.  Even the strongest of us.  We serve a sovereign God… who is faithful… in every instance, not just some.  We serve a God who has ordained our days and knows what is best and what is good for us.  How can we confidently walk in that promise? How can we avoid the repercussions of these lies from the enemy in our lives and prevent fear from consuming us? We can pray.  That might be the only thing we can do in some circumstances, but it is the most important thing we can do…and the only thing that really matters.  It’s the name of Jesus Christ.  It’s the promises that He brings, and it’s the reliance on His name that will see us through even the darkest nights.  If you’re in a dark or needing place where you don’t know where to start, just speak His name… because He’s awaiting and desiring to fill your voids, and show you how cherished you are in His sight.  He is simply the lover of your soul and because of that we can be fearless.

I’m elated to say that Josiah’s tests revealed… absolutely nothing. That’s right… nothing to repair, nothing to remove, and all biopsies were clear.  Praise God!  While that leaves us still in limbo over the fate of this condition with his blood, and the question and complications of internal blood loss… that is a VICTORY in my book.  We await the doctors next steps… and we pray and declare that God has healed our boy… just like it was spoken over him that it would be.  We once again are at that… “we don’t understand” point with his physicians… BUT we do understand… and we thank you all for praying for and lifting up our boy! Josiah’s very name means “Jesus heals”, and that He does!

If there’s a way I can pray for you today reach out to me!

Blessings,

Kristy