Memory

My phone reminds me daily that my storage is full; there is no more memory or space left for all the things I use it for daily. My husband reminds me that this is sad, since I have a 64GB phone. What’s the problem? I have 9,042 photos on my phone. That’s right, and I’ve deleted over 2,000 recently.  Why is all that space on my phone dedicated to photos? A few reasons, with the most obvious being…I love taking photos of my children, but even more than that, it’s because those photos hold valuable memories for me.

If you’ve ever lost someone close to you, you well know that our memories are far more precious than gold. My phone contains pictures back to 2011, all of which I won’t delete because as most of you know. I lost my dear sister in 2012. The memories that I have combined with the photos, texts, and voicemails of my sister are all that I have to keep her memory alive for my children. A photo helps us capture a moment in time and keep it forever, and I love that. That’s exactly why I take so many now.

The mind is a funny thing, it acts as a fail-safe device for our emotions.  If you ask me to recall simple facts about 2005 or 2008, I most likely won’t be able to. Why? Because I blocked both of those years out of my memory, especially 2005. My husband was deployed for both of those years, and his job in the Marine Corps combined with where and when he was serving made for really difficult deployments for not only the Marines, but the families waiting at home. In order to cope, to get past those difficult times, my mind chose to block those days out completely. Likewise with memories of my sister, certain things that I should easily be able to recall, it’s easier for me to not “remember” because sometimes the pain is too difficult. The loss is so great in those instances that even happy times are hard to recall or think upon, because they come along with very real pain. Have you been there?

Yesterday, I found myself making chili and sweet potato biscuits for the chili cook-off at church and to share with friends. My kids were napping, I was in my kitchen, singing to my favorite worship music while my little ones slept peacefully upstairs and I became overwhelmed with sadness. From joy to tears in seconds. My eyes caught sight of the ceramic Halloween decorations made by my mother that once adorned my sister’s furniture. I thought of how in a few hours I would be preparing Addisyn and Josiah to go out for Josiah’s very first Halloween and Addisyn’s first year she could actually trick-or-treat. I was so excited for the fun they were about to have. I took in the aroma of my kitchen and felt the warmth of the biscuits I had just pulled out of the oven. With the cinnamon aroma in the air, I looked outside and noticed how the leaves had changed just since this weekend. It was all so right, that it was wrong.  All of a sudden my soul wept deeply for my sister who wasn’t here enjoying her favorite time of the year.

Wasn’t it supposed to be her doing these things? Wasn’t she supposed to be in her cozy home, preparing a warm fall meal while her children slept soundly upstairs? Weren’t those decorations supposed to still be in her possession, enjoyed by little hands in her home? How could it be that she was gone, and all we have left are those memories…you know…the ones that are sometimes a little too hard to relive because they make you miss her so much more. So I did what I always do when I feel so overtaken with grief and I prayed through my tears and continued preparing for the evening. I turned up the music I was listening to louder in attempt to drown out my own thoughts, and I pushed on. Because some days, some moments in life, start out one way and end in a completely different manner.

The short answer to all of those questions I asked is simply, “no”. No, it wasn’t supposed to be the way I pictured in my head, because that wasn’t God’s plan. It’s hard to accept, and even harder to understand. However, God’s plans are not for us to understand. “His ways are higher than ours, His thoughts are not our thoughts” (Isaiah 55:9). So no matter how I had pictured my life, or my sister’s life, it’s His way that is perfect, His way that is right. This holds true for all things in life, not just grief. I am thankful that God’s way is more perfect than mine. I am thankful that He is strong where I am weak. He is smarter than I, more intentional than I, more aware than I, more personable than I, and more capable than I will ever be. I am thankful that even though I don’t understand His ways, that they are in fact…perfect. After losing my sister, God brought me comfort from this verse, so I share it with you to bring comfort also: Isaiah 57:1-2, “The righteous are taken away to be spared evil. They find rest as they lie in death.”  God also describes in Isaiah the holy mountain He has prepared and confirms the joy in His house. How amazing His house must be, and we can take solace in knowing that those we miss so deeply are fellowshipping with Him in that glory.